my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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