she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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