Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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