apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
