I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize