Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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