Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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