it wasn't lemon gatorade
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
