when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Less talking, more tequila
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm getting married
To pizza
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
