dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
