When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
