I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
