and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
