Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
