the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
