the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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