the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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