The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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