Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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