So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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