Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
