that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he was CRYING into my vagina
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
