It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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