I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
