im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
