why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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