he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
