Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
