My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
