My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
