I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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