omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
