They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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