Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
