Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
