Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
