this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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