Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
