the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
