u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
