Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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