Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
