Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
