I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
