i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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