Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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