i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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