i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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