This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
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