Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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