I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
