I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
