I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
