I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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