Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
