dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
