So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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